Family: Thankful all around.

Bila sebut tentang family, I easily smile wide.

Subhanallah, alhamdulillah. Family, is indeed one of the biggest reason for me to express my gratitude to Allah, after Islam, Iman, and this Dakwah & Tarbiyah. I can't thank Allah more for this.

Whenever I love someone, I can't help but to pray that Allah choose them, to be in this Dakwah&Tarbiyah. What is a better place/position one can achieve than to be His helpers? - regardless, how helpless, how impossible that prayer seemed to me.

That is until, my elder brother....
The one whom I used to fight with when turning on the radio.
I hate all those crap songs he's listening to.
The one whom whatever I do - usrah, daurah, tajmik and many more - is his laughing stock.

.. got married to an ukht. And is joining usrah now.

Long way to go but, all the impossible seems so clear to me now. Allah is indeed the All-Hearing.

From that moment onwards, my prayers landscape has changed its tone. Full of confidence, full of hope. I know he'll grant our prayers.

The journey of Dakwah & Tarbiyah with your family is a whole different story. Regardless how many juniors you approached, how many halaqah you conducted, how many taujihat you presented, how many programmes you organised; your family is not - even close - to any of those.

They know the black and white - greys included - of you. Doing dakwah to them, tests the truth of your dakwah, you can hide nothing.

And them - each of them - have their own ego; now testing your hikmah. Subhanallah, a long journey indeed. But I shall not surrender.


I did not express it, but I can see Ummi's view, changed.

I remember, my mobility to programmes, were usually restricted by ummi and abi' permission. They used to say I am too busy, I need to spend more time home, I have to learn to appreciate the family..

That is until, I realised my dakwah and tarbiyah isn't balanced. I failed to do my part back home. I tried, changing.

Later on I see changes around me as well.

Plot twist.
Umi will be the one asking, "kenapa tak pergi?"

"Na, cuba la ajak kaklah sekali"
"Kaklah nak pergi vacation"
"Cuti tu kan panjang, takkan semuanya pergi vacation"

One habit that I think anyone who joins D&T will posses is, book obsession.

I kept on buying books, and during last summer holiday, I tidied up the room and have this one spot as my mini library. I didn't notice that ummi loves to have a look at the books at the corner. Until one day, I dig into her handbag to look for something but found one of my books in her handbag. Speechless, grateful deep down.

The last week before I flew back to the UK, Ummi asked me my plan for the week. I told her my plans for each day. One of them is to go to Sri Kembangan to shop books to bring back to the UK. Ummi just nodded, and on the day I wanted to go to the book shop, Umi told Yah in front of me,

"Yah, jom ikut kak diyana pergi kedai buku nak tak?"






Subhanallah, blessings all around.

Just keep on doing our best in D&T, outside, or back home. They didn't show, but they silently observe. I didn't promise it's going to be easy, but surely worth it.


Sindrom-sakit-rumah
Alhamdulillah.

Cari.

“Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang derhaka, mereka selalu mentertawakan orang-orang yang beriman.

Dan apabila orang-orang yang beriman lalu dekat mereka, mereka mengerling dan memejm celikkan mata sesame sendiri (mencemuhnya).

Dan apabila mereka kembali kepada kaum keluarganya, mereka kembali dengan riang gembira.” [Al-Muthaffifin, 83:29-31]

Boleh jadi, masa untuk bergelak ketawa panjang, telah pun berlalu.

Muhasabah. Yang amat panjang.

Aku masih terlalu amat banyak bermain-main dengan dakwah ini!

Buat sekadar berbuat.

Menyahut acuh tak acuh.

Memikir di minit-minit terakhir.

Alangkah banyaknya gelak tawa

Alangkah banyaknya bual kosong dan cakap-cakap sia

Alangkah banyaknya duduk-duduk tak bermanfaat dan menungan kosong

Alangkah derhakanya aku.

Bermain-main.

Dengan dakwah ini.

. . . . .

Berkelana di bumi Cork.

Memerhati bagaimana mereka menyikapi liqa’-liqa’ mingguan mereka. Sang murabbi tak memandang enteng kelewatan mutarabbinya. Serius, kerana mad'unya kader untuk ummah ini.

Sang murabbi tak berpada-pada bersiap untuk liqa’ di minit akhir. Pembacaan meluas, olahan jelas, memikir penuh amanah. mendengar penuh ihsan.

Qadhaya mereka tak sekadar mencampak-longgok masalah-masalah dakwah kemudian disoal mengapa begitu dan begini. Tapi semua prihatin mencari solusi seolah masalah sendiri. Memangnya, masalah ukhti kita adalah masalah semua. Mas’uliyat ukhti kita adalah mas’uliyat semua. Bersama.

Para pendokong bukan sekadar 'menolak' adik-adik mereka, tapi mereka memandang serius tarbiyah sendiri. Responsif, proaktif, bersungguh dalam apa yang disusun oleh kakak-kakanya. 

“Allah menepati janjinya kepada ahli syurga, mereka pun memandangi wajahNya hingga puas”

Bicara Umar saat menemukan anaknya membeli daging kerana teringin memakannya, “Apakah bila engkau menginginkan sesuatu, engkau sentiasa mendapatkannya?”

“Pertemuan kita bukan sekadar ingin menggemukkan fikrah, tapi menguatkan lagi obsesi kita kepada syurga, menguatkan kerinduan kita kepada Allah dan rasul, menguatkan kerinduan kita kepada rehat di Syurga”

. . . . . . 

Saat merasakan semangat telah melemah, 

Temukan cara untuk mencari solusi,

menemukan kembali jiwa yang hilang itu.

Cukup, cukup bercakap.

Mungkin yang perlu dibicarakan saat ini,  

Ialah soal amal.

Beyond. Compare.

In the lifespan of a murabbi,

The rejection of her mutarabbi, is the biggest rejection ever happened to her.


For the first time.. she cries in her sleep,
Her tears run as fast as the shower falling on top of her,
Her dark rings grow bigger around her eyes,

It's painful.

This one time.

Hits me,

hard.

. . . . . . .

Pedih dan tajamnya, masih saja membekas,
Parut dan lukanya, masih saja memerah.

Ya Syafii, O the one heals,

Heal my heart, for it's nearly broken.

Ya Ghafuur, O the one who forgives,

Forgive my sins, for too many it is.

Ya Samii', O the one who listens,

I no longer have words to say.

But please, 

listen to my silence of despair.

. . . . . .

Rejections.
One after another.
Of loved ones.

Sometimes too much.
It hurts so deeply...

Can I spend a day to just cry?

As I remember this one, my eye reddens
As I recall the one before this one, my heart hurts
And the one before.
And the one before.

Too many in these previous years.




Pain.



. . . . . .

The holy book wrapped in blue, unfolded

"Ta-ha" (1)

We did not reveal the Qur'an to you so you face hardship" (2)

"Has there come to you the story of Musa?" (9)

Who received the revelation amidst own sins and guilt.
Who ran away out of fear for his staff turned into snake.
Who was mandated to call Fir'aun to Allah.
Who was declined by his own people.
Who was... rejected.




Then to the next chapter of "Al-Anbiya'"
Of the stories of Musa and Harun and the worshiping of the cow statue,
Of Abraham that was thrown into the fire,
Of Luth, Ishaq and Ya'qub facing the people of evil,
Of Dawud and Sulaiman granted hikmah and wealth,
Of Ayyub and his gentle and passionate prayers to Allah,
Of Isma'il, Idris, Dzulkifli, Nuuh, Zakariyya, and Maryam...


Of uncountable rejections and endless accusations.



Allah....
Astaghfirullah.

Of Qudwah, and Ukhuwah.

From you i learnt about time management. A mother of five. Plus one in the tummy. Plus another two groups of grown adults as your anak halaqah. Plus uncounted responsibilities on you shoulder... Im amazed to hear your alarm just to hear you say "oh, time to call my daughter"

You dont crack jokes. But talking to you soothes the heart. I feel humbleness in your words of wisdom. I feel someone is ready to listen passionately to anything i'd like to spill. 

With a 7 months foetus in the tummy, I saw you climbing up stair, driving miles apart, sleeping on the sofa while at the same time admit "it's painful to move around"

I remember that morning after Subuh that we had morning tazkirah by one of your mutarabbi.. As you saw me holding pen and notebook, you whispered "I forgot to take my mine". Though it's difficult, you stood up to your bag to get yours, carefully jot down points and notes from the tazkirah. While the one giving tazkirah is one of your mutarabbi. Dozens of years of tarbiyah never made you look as if you had enough. 

I'm humbled when i say, "can you spare me five minutes, i want to do my dhuha" at the time we're about to depart. And heard you reply "oh, i totally forgot" and saw you immediately put off your socks and headscarf as you were ready to jump into the car, just to climb up stairs to the bathroom for wudhu and dhuha too.

I think we spent time together for less than 24h. But the bond feels like the effort of years.. Allahuakbar! How Allah connects the heart. Maybe because it is your sincerity, maybe it is because of the untold mujahadah of you and the others.

Having had to go online in every halaqah; though we tried to utilize the technology as much as we can - being proactive, attentive, responsive, punctual - it is always not the same as face-to-face meetings. Alhamdulillah, given the chance that day; subhanallah I feel the vibe, the aura, the genuine ukhuwwah that is so strong between us. 

How could it not be?? These are the faces that has offered smiles to many other faces. These are the shoulders that held multiple responsibilities in own counties. These are the hearts that has undergone multifarious tests and mujahadah along this path of dakwah. The ukhuwah that often feels pale in our online halaqah... Rekindles. And I shall bare this sweetness in my heart - that ukhuwah because of Iman - gives you all the reasons to love.


Usrah/ mabit/ Birm/ 5th to 6th of December

Muka 22

Madrasah malam itu.
Satu muhasabah tentang kehidupan dia
Tentang kemanusiaan dia.
Tentang hubungan dia dengan manusia lainnya

Tentang dakwahnya.

Dia luahkan pada Allah
"Ya Allah, aku ingin perbaharui keberadaan aku di jalan dakwah ini"

Start over
Refresh
Rejuvenate


. . . . . . .


Usai subuh pagi itu bersama akhawat lain
Dia pegun di ruang tamu
Menyudahkan tilawahnya

Tilawahnya kurang berbanding hari biasa
Kerana dia ingin membuat hafazan pula
Muka 22 kali ini.

Serentak dia memulai hafazan,
Terpandang langit melalui tingkap di hadapannya
MasyaAllah, terkagum

awan bergerak pantas
dengan rona-rona merah jambu sebagai latar
jingga, biru gelap
Sungguh lukisan langit subuh Allah
Sebuah maha karya yang agung

sambil lidahnya melantunkan kalam-kalam Allah
kepalanya berselang mendongak ke pemandangan pergerakan awan
dan menunduk menatap kalam Allah setiap kali dia lupa sambungannya

Hingga tiga empat kali muka surat itu diulangnya
Dia mula cuba menterjemah setiap patah kata pula setiap kali membacanya
Masih, baca, dan dongak ke langit

Sambil mata tertancap pada rona merah betukar jingga di dada langit, lidahnya melantunkan..
"Qad nara taqalluba wajhika fis sama'"
...
Terdiam terus dia saat memahami makna kalimah itu
"Sesungguhnya Kami melihat wajahmu sering menengadah ke langit"

Kalimah 'wajhika fis sama'' (wajahmu ke langit) itu dibacanya tepat saat matanya sedang memandang langit.

bergetar jari jemarinya
panas terasa matanya
laju degupan jantungnya

Tangannya di dada merasai setiap denyutan jantungnya
Allah, Engkau benar-benar hadir.
Engkau benar-benar ada.
Engkau benar-benar wujud
Aku nak sangat jumpa Engkau!

Allah, mengapa Engkau mengubat jiwaku
Tanpa sempat aku meminta...

Dia jujurnya hampir lemas dengan kerja-kerja final year yang back-to-back, belum dicampur kerja dakwah. Setakat ni konsisten meeting setiap malam. Jika tidak, pasti ada halaqah. Pulang dari uni lewat jam 6 dengan langit sudah menjelang isya', bersiap untuk urusan malamnya pula.

Beberapa kali juga dia luahkan pada Rabb
"Aku serabut, I'm messed up, I'm lost"

Dan nyata, Rabbnya Maha Mendengar.
I don't need another remedy, Allah.
You're my cure.





Bahkan pernah.
Dalam perjalanan pulang dari bangunan lewat jam 5-6 petang
Tapi langitnya sudah malam, maghribnya jam 4.
Angin bertiup sangat kuat.

Hingga dia terpaksa berhenti terlebih dahulu, berlindung di balik pokok2.

Kemudian redah.

Waktu itu, rasa seperti keseorangan.
Tapi dia kata, Allah ada bersama aku, is more than enough.

Lidahnya kala itu sedang melantunkan zikir2 dari al-ma'thurat
Sambil telinganya pun disumbat earphone surah al-baqarah.

Saat lidahnya sampai pada bahagian
"Wa la tuhammilna ma la thaqota lana bih"
Serentak ipodnya pun sedang melantunkan ayat yang sama. serentak.

Dari itu, Allah hadiahkan sebuah perasaan.
Engkau tak sendiri.
Seolah Allah membaca bersama engkau.

Allah. Wordless. Priceless.


. . . . .

Hafazan masih diteruskan
Muka surat yang sama masih diulang hingga entah yang ke berapa kali
Sikit demi sedikit, dia memahami makna keseluruhan ayat yang diulang.

Sikit demi sedikit, it comes into her sense,
tentang apa yang Allah nak sampaikan

"Dan demikianlah kami jadikan kamu umat pertengahan
Agar kamu menjadi saksi ke atas umat manusia
Dan rasul menjadi saksi ke atas kamu..."

Semakin diulang
Semakin dirasa 'weight' ayat itu
Penyaksian kamu terhadap umat manusia

Penyaksian terhadap kebenaran.

Sungguh terjawab doanya baru beberapa jam yang lalu
"Ya Allah, aku ingin memperbaharui keberadaan aku di jalan dakwah ini"

Syahadah ini. Syahadatul Haq.








The day He stole my heart like no one did
A slave, longing to meet her Master

Manakan tidak cintaku tumpah

Manakan tidak cintaku tumpah

Buat sesusuk murabbi yang membuat cintaku pada dakwah melimpah

Tak banyak yang ia lontarkan

Tapi keikhlasannya meninggalkan kesan

Tak nyaring suaranya 

Tapi sentuhannya merenggut jiwa yang paling dalam

Membuat aku semakin rasa betapa benarnya dakwah

Betapa manisnya memberi saat tangan kekurangan 

Betapa sejatinya berkorban demi kebenaran

Betapa mulianya 

membantu agama Tuhan

Al-Kahfi: Kala aku baca kalamMu

Allah
Saat aku membaca kalam mu wahai Tuhanku



"Maka barang siapa mengharap pertemuan dengan Tuhannya, 

maka hendaklah dia mengerjakan amal kebajikan... 

...dan janganlah dia mempersekutukan dengan suatu apa pun 

dalam beribadah kepada Tuhannya"

Ya Rabb.
Aku terjeda

Aku merasa berat yang amat wahai Rabbku

Boleh jadi kerana tidak mampu

kerana terlalu banyak aku persekutukan Engkau
dalam kehidupanku



Telah aku duakan Engkau
Dengan tidurku, waktu rehatku, ruang privasi, masa lapang,

Aku duakan Engkau
Dengan fikiran dan expectation manusia,
dengan harta yang aku tahan-tahan.
dengan nafsuku sendiri.

Ya Rabb,
Begitu sukar aku meletakkan Engkau nombor satu,
Di atas segala-galanya

Sedang aku mahu hidup untuk Engkau.



Kala aku membaca perkataan para Pemuda Kahfi

"Tuhan kami adalah Tuhan langit dan bumi,

Kami tidak menyeru sesuatu sebagai ilah selain Dia,

kalau kami berbuat demikian,

Tentulah kami telah mengucapkan sesuatu yang jauh daripada kebenaran"

Ya Rabb

Aku terjeda


Terhina

Oleh jiwa yang masih belum merdeka
Terjajah oleh dunia.