Al-Birr.

Aku kira ini bukan escapisme.

A retreat instead.



Menerima kata-kata yang dirasakan pedih dan mencucuk. Kasar dan tak mengenal belas. Sakit. Nak membalas pun, terlalu penat untuk itu. Bila simpan sendiri, kadang aku cuma perlu beberapa saat pejaman mata untuk beritahu hati, sakit.

Tinggal beberapa depa cuma ke rumah sewaan. Aku decide untuk solat di surau berdekatan instead. Menanti sang muazzin melaungkan iqamat, aku teruskan hafazan.


Lidah dilantun-lantun seiring gerak anak mata. Hati.. menerawang. Hingga ia teringat kembali kepedihannya. Serentak itu lidah sedang tepat melantun baris kalamNya berbunyi

"Dan orang-orang yang bersabar pada kemelaratan, penderitaan dan ketika waktu perang..."

Lemah.

"Mereka itulah orang-orang yang benar.."

Kelajuan bacaan makin perlahan, perlahan.. Aku bukan orang itu ya Allah..

"Dan mereka itulah orang-orang yang bertaqwa"

Jauh.


Pujukan paling lembut. Terhadap keserabutan ini. Minda, hati, nurani.


Aku biar masa berlalu, dan aku mengulang lagi muka surat yang sama. Tiap kali hati mengingati apa yang menyakitinya, tiap kali itu lidah sedang mengulang ayat yang sama itu. Tentang para penyabar itu.




Allah, mengajar aku tentang al-Birr.

Remembrance of late Wan.

I write. So I remember.




Wan. It has been three years that you are bed-ridden. I am pleased, and pleasured, if you leaving - is the better option.

I witnessed your healthy days. That you are, as energetic as young adults are. I remember days, when I have to rush to the bathroom as soon as I open my eyes early in the morning before fajr, so that you don't enter before me. With your slow paced-walk, and weak backbones that are no longer straight, I envy you at how istiqamah you are with night prayers.

You. are more bashful than young ladies. You keep your voice low, tidy up your room neat, and eat with manners. Gadis kampung - that is you.

As I received the news of you. I tried keeping calm but I can't deny I lose focus.

The surprise snow that falls in the midst of spring, is like tears, that weeps upon your passing. And like the rain, that calms the sadness of the weeping hearts.

Still, looking cool. But bursts as I prostrate in my prayers. Only to You Allah, that I can't lie.

I miss.

Feeding you with your favourite food.
Listening to you about the historic times of Tanah Melayu.
Reciting Qur'an to you, when reciting alone makes me sleepy.
Massaging your swollen muscle, till you fall asleep.
Walk passing your room, with the lights on.
And you holding my hand tight, as I bid farewell before leaving for the Uni.




Opened the Quran to finish my Kahf. And there the first verse,

"That is how We show to human, 

so that they know, 

that His promise is true, 

that there is no doubt 

upon the Day of Judgement"

Teary as I am completing my Kahf. And sometimes paused as the the tears overwhelmed. It's painfully hard to face this Allah. And continue to the next page,

"And be patient with those 

who call for their Lord 

in the morning 

and during the dusk, 

wanting His pleasure.."

Iman.

Iman validates all the laws, relationships, formulaes that we have ever learned in Dakwah.

Imanlah kuncinya.


Tak kira di mustawa mana, berapa usia kita dalam dakwah dan tarbiyah, berapa ramai pun anak binaan, melakukan tajmik atau takwin,

tak ada yang mampu menjamin kelestarian dakwah dan tarbiyah kita.
Begitupun jika tetap saja ada di jalan dakwah, bara momentum, komitmen dan ghairah dalam menyerahkan tenaga dan tubuh kita tetap saja membutuhkan koreksi jujur dari diri kita

Ada yang kata, bukan dia lagi lama join DnT dari saya ke, kenapa susah nak nampak di daurah, tak hadir meeting, susah menyahut seruan-seruan amal..

Boleh jadi ada faktor yang lebih besar dari itu yang menentukan pergerakan kita di arena dakwah ini...

... Iman.





Benar, semakin fahamnya seseorang melalu taujiah fikriyah yang ia terima,
semakin panjang usia dan mehnah yang dilalui di atas jalan dakwah,
semakin banyak teguran dan situasi yang ia sendiri hadapi di jalan dakwah,

Pastinya..
Mengukuhkan kefahaman, memberi kekuatan, menguatkan daya tahan, melajukan sendi dan tulang, menambah bernas buah fikiran, membantu mengikhlaskan dan mencintai amal di jalan dakwah.

Tapi semua itu
Hanya dan jika hanya,
Imannya di jaga di sepanjang jalan amal itu.





Namun jika tidak.

Biar siapa pun dia, apa pun jawatannya,
Saat Imannya sedang sakit..

usah diungkit mustawa atau marhalah atau pengisian yang pernah ia terima.
semua itu tak bererti

Allah akan menjadikan amal dakwah ini rumit untuknya, perkara mudah terasa sukar untuknya. Jalan yang suatu masa teramat manis, seolah beban yang merimaskan.

Begitu...
Saat mutabaahnya melemah. Saat hubungan dengan Allah merapuh. Saat muhasabah diri begitu jauh. Saat ibadah khususnya berkurang.. Namun tak ada yang ia perbuat untuk mendaki semula prestasi amal.




Betapa.
Wahyu Rabbani itu kalimah yang terlampau mulia, diserah kepada malaikat suci nan taat tak berbelah bahagi pada Ilahi
Dakwah ini penghormatan yang terlampau tinggi, diberi kepada para nabi yang terlalu akrab dengan kekasihnya

Bagaimana sekali kita yang hina, ingin berbuat dakwah menyampaikan risalah cuma dengan tulang empat kerat, jiwa kecil yang berkarat, pengalaman tak seberapa tapi merasa hebat, dan semangat yang kian kemari kembang kuncupnya...
Tanpa mengambil cinta dan asa dari langit?










Rindu yang amat rindu.

Family: Thankful all around.

Bila sebut tentang family, I easily smile wide.

Subhanallah, alhamdulillah. Family, is indeed one of the biggest reason for me to express my gratitude to Allah, after Islam, Iman, and this Dakwah & Tarbiyah. I can't thank Allah more for this.

Whenever I love someone, I can't help but to pray that Allah choose them, to be in this Dakwah&Tarbiyah. What is a better place/position one can achieve than to be His helpers? - regardless, how helpless, how impossible that prayer seemed to me.

That is until, my elder brother....
The one whom I used to fight with when turning on the radio.
I hate all those crap songs he's listening to.
The one whom whatever I do - usrah, daurah, tajmik and many more - is his laughing stock.

.. got married to an ukht. And is joining usrah now.

Long way to go but, all the impossible seems so clear to me now. Allah is indeed the All-Hearing.

From that moment onwards, my prayers landscape has changed its tone. Full of confidence, full of hope. I know he'll grant our prayers.

The journey of Dakwah & Tarbiyah with your family is a whole different story. Regardless how many juniors you approached, how many halaqah you conducted, how many taujihat you presented, how many programmes you organised; your family is not - even close - to any of those.

They know the black and white - greys included - of you. Doing dakwah to them, tests the truth of your dakwah, you can hide nothing.

And them - each of them - have their own ego; now testing your hikmah. Subhanallah, a long journey indeed. But I shall not surrender.


I did not express it, but I can see Ummi's view, changed.

I remember, my mobility to programmes, were usually restricted by ummi and abi' permission. They used to say I am too busy, I need to spend more time home, I have to learn to appreciate the family..

That is until, I realised my dakwah and tarbiyah isn't balanced. I failed to do my part back home. I tried, changing.

Later on I see changes around me as well.

Plot twist.
Umi will be the one asking, "kenapa tak pergi?"

"Na, cuba la ajak kaklah sekali"
"Kaklah nak pergi vacation"
"Cuti tu kan panjang, takkan semuanya pergi vacation"

One habit that I think anyone who joins D&T will posses is, book obsession.

I kept on buying books, and during last summer holiday, I tidied up the room and have this one spot as my mini library. I didn't notice that ummi loves to have a look at the books at the corner. Until one day, I dig into her handbag to look for something but found one of my books in her handbag. Speechless, grateful deep down.

The last week before I flew back to the UK, Ummi asked me my plan for the week. I told her my plans for each day. One of them is to go to Sri Kembangan to shop books to bring back to the UK. Ummi just nodded, and on the day I wanted to go to the book shop, Umi told Yah in front of me,

"Yah, jom ikut kak diyana pergi kedai buku nak tak?"






Subhanallah, blessings all around.

Just keep on doing our best in D&T, outside, or back home. They didn't show, but they silently observe. I didn't promise it's going to be easy, but surely worth it.


Sindrom-sakit-rumah
Alhamdulillah.

Cari.

“Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang derhaka, mereka selalu mentertawakan orang-orang yang beriman.

Dan apabila orang-orang yang beriman lalu dekat mereka, mereka mengerling dan memejm celikkan mata sesame sendiri (mencemuhnya).

Dan apabila mereka kembali kepada kaum keluarganya, mereka kembali dengan riang gembira.” [Al-Muthaffifin, 83:29-31]

Boleh jadi, masa untuk bergelak ketawa panjang, telah pun berlalu.

Muhasabah. Yang amat panjang.

Aku masih terlalu amat banyak bermain-main dengan dakwah ini!

Buat sekadar berbuat.

Menyahut acuh tak acuh.

Memikir di minit-minit terakhir.

Alangkah banyaknya gelak tawa

Alangkah banyaknya bual kosong dan cakap-cakap sia

Alangkah banyaknya duduk-duduk tak bermanfaat dan menungan kosong

Alangkah derhakanya aku.

Bermain-main.

Dengan dakwah ini.

. . . . .

Berkelana di bumi Cork.

Memerhati bagaimana mereka menyikapi liqa’-liqa’ mingguan mereka. Sang murabbi tak memandang enteng kelewatan mutarabbinya. Serius, kerana mad'unya kader untuk ummah ini.

Sang murabbi tak berpada-pada bersiap untuk liqa’ di minit akhir. Pembacaan meluas, olahan jelas, memikir penuh amanah. mendengar penuh ihsan.

Qadhaya mereka tak sekadar mencampak-longgok masalah-masalah dakwah kemudian disoal mengapa begitu dan begini. Tapi semua prihatin mencari solusi seolah masalah sendiri. Memangnya, masalah ukhti kita adalah masalah semua. Mas’uliyat ukhti kita adalah mas’uliyat semua. Bersama.

Para pendokong bukan sekadar 'menolak' adik-adik mereka, tapi mereka memandang serius tarbiyah sendiri. Responsif, proaktif, bersungguh dalam apa yang disusun oleh kakak-kakanya. 

“Allah menepati janjinya kepada ahli syurga, mereka pun memandangi wajahNya hingga puas”

Bicara Umar saat menemukan anaknya membeli daging kerana teringin memakannya, “Apakah bila engkau menginginkan sesuatu, engkau sentiasa mendapatkannya?”

“Pertemuan kita bukan sekadar ingin menggemukkan fikrah, tapi menguatkan lagi obsesi kita kepada syurga, menguatkan kerinduan kita kepada Allah dan rasul, menguatkan kerinduan kita kepada rehat di Syurga”

. . . . . . 

Saat merasakan semangat telah melemah, 

Temukan cara untuk mencari solusi,

menemukan kembali jiwa yang hilang itu.

Cukup, cukup bercakap.

Mungkin yang perlu dibicarakan saat ini,  

Ialah soal amal.

Beyond. Compare.

In the lifespan of a murabbi,

The rejection of her mutarabbi, is the biggest rejection ever happened to her.


For the first time.. she cries in her sleep,
Her tears run as fast as the shower falling on top of her,
Her dark rings grow bigger around her eyes,

It's painful.

This one time.

Hits me,

hard.

. . . . . . .

Pedih dan tajamnya, masih saja membekas,
Parut dan lukanya, masih saja memerah.

Ya Syafii, O the one heals,

Heal my heart, for it's nearly broken.

Ya Ghafuur, O the one who forgives,

Forgive my sins, for too many it is.

Ya Samii', O the one who listens,

I no longer have words to say.

But please, 

listen to my silence of despair.

. . . . . .

Rejections.
One after another.
Of loved ones.

Sometimes too much.
It hurts so deeply...

Can I spend a day to just cry?

As I remember this one, my eye reddens
As I recall the one before this one, my heart hurts
And the one before.
And the one before.

Too many in these previous years.




Pain.



. . . . . .

The holy book wrapped in blue, unfolded

"Ta-ha" (1)

We did not reveal the Qur'an to you so you face hardship" (2)

"Has there come to you the story of Musa?" (9)

Who received the revelation amidst own sins and guilt.
Who ran away out of fear for his staff turned into snake.
Who was mandated to call Fir'aun to Allah.
Who was declined by his own people.
Who was... rejected.




Then to the next chapter of "Al-Anbiya'"
Of the stories of Musa and Harun and the worshiping of the cow statue,
Of Abraham that was thrown into the fire,
Of Luth, Ishaq and Ya'qub facing the people of evil,
Of Dawud and Sulaiman granted hikmah and wealth,
Of Ayyub and his gentle and passionate prayers to Allah,
Of Isma'il, Idris, Dzulkifli, Nuuh, Zakariyya, and Maryam...


Of uncountable rejections and endless accusations.



Allah....
Astaghfirullah.

Of Qudwah, and Ukhuwah.

From you i learnt about time management. A mother of five. Plus one in the tummy. Plus another two groups of grown adults as your anak halaqah. Plus uncounted responsibilities on you shoulder... Im amazed to hear your alarm just to hear you say "oh, time to call my daughter"

You dont crack jokes. But talking to you soothes the heart. I feel humbleness in your words of wisdom. I feel someone is ready to listen passionately to anything i'd like to spill. 

With a 7 months foetus in the tummy, I saw you climbing up stair, driving miles apart, sleeping on the sofa while at the same time admit "it's painful to move around"

I remember that morning after Subuh that we had morning tazkirah by one of your mutarabbi.. As you saw me holding pen and notebook, you whispered "I forgot to take my mine". Though it's difficult, you stood up to your bag to get yours, carefully jot down points and notes from the tazkirah. While the one giving tazkirah is one of your mutarabbi. Dozens of years of tarbiyah never made you look as if you had enough. 

I'm humbled when i say, "can you spare me five minutes, i want to do my dhuha" at the time we're about to depart. And heard you reply "oh, i totally forgot" and saw you immediately put off your socks and headscarf as you were ready to jump into the car, just to climb up stairs to the bathroom for wudhu and dhuha too.

I think we spent time together for less than 24h. But the bond feels like the effort of years.. Allahuakbar! How Allah connects the heart. Maybe because it is your sincerity, maybe it is because of the untold mujahadah of you and the others.

Having had to go online in every halaqah; though we tried to utilize the technology as much as we can - being proactive, attentive, responsive, punctual - it is always not the same as face-to-face meetings. Alhamdulillah, given the chance that day; subhanallah I feel the vibe, the aura, the genuine ukhuwwah that is so strong between us. 

How could it not be?? These are the faces that has offered smiles to many other faces. These are the shoulders that held multiple responsibilities in own counties. These are the hearts that has undergone multifarious tests and mujahadah along this path of dakwah. The ukhuwah that often feels pale in our online halaqah... Rekindles. And I shall bare this sweetness in my heart - that ukhuwah because of Iman - gives you all the reasons to love.


Usrah/ mabit/ Birm/ 5th to 6th of December